They last few weeks my daughter hasn’t been sleeping like she usually does. Teething is the devil. She’s extremely cranky, the house is mess because she wants to cling to me, and I can tell my son is feeling a little jealous because I’ve been trying to handle her being glued to my hip which cuts my play time with him in half. No matter how many times I try to let him know that since Liliana isn’t a big kid like he is, and that she needs mommy’s help a little more, he still gets upset.
While trying to tend to my children’s needs, I often feel like I’m failing as a mother to both of my little ones. With Kyle, it’s feeling like I’m not spending enough time with him and having our one or one bonding time. With Liliana, it’s not being able to take away her pain and getting her back to her normal self. My son’s favorite words right now are “well nobody wants to play with me”, all while Liliana is screaming her head off because I put her down to try and accomplish some household chores. It rips my heart apart. Words can’t even begin to describe the guilt I feel while trying to clean and not playing with my kids. There is not enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done. It’s a daily struggle to get everything that I want completed along with tending to every need of my children.
Another thing that brings the ‘bad mom’ feelings out is disciplining my children. This is probably why my husband complains to me for always making him feel like the bad guy, or why my children don’t listen to me as well as they do him. Mommy lets them get away with A LOT. Don’t get me wrong, I yell at and discipline my kids constantly but that doesn’t mean it makes me feel complete crap afterwards. I am a full supporter of discipline. My children will not be raised without manners, but damn does it make my heart hurt. My children will never see that part of me though, the part where I feel bad doing it. I always stay strong in front of them. I must say though, something about that deep, masculine voice of my husband that makes the kids listen the first time around, is music to my ears.
Some nights I break down, shed a few tears. I talk to my husband about it and he reassures me that I’m doing a great job. Sometimes I even struggle to get to sleep at night because I question if I’m spending enough time with my kids. The last thing I want to do is let them down. As much as I want to spend every waking minute playing with them, a dirty house is often a trigger to get my anxiety to escalate. When my house isn’t clean, it makes me feel unaccomplished and guilty that I’m not fulfilling my duties of being a stay at home mom. My husband works his butt off all day to give me this amazing life, the least I can do is keep our house clean. Also, anytime that my children act inappropriately while out in public or even at home, gets me going too. The last thing I want to do is look like I don’t know how to raise my kiddos.
After these past few weeks, I’ve came to realize that I am far from a bad mom. This is what motherhood is about. If anything has taught be to be strong it’s becoming a mother. Trying to manage time between chores and two kids is a task, but we always seem to figure out. Yelling at them might be difficult now, but I know I won’t regret it when they are older. Ever since I’ve gotten into blogging, reading other mom blogs and learning about their daily lives has made me realize we are all the same. We all go through this craziness, and even though every child is different and every mother’s way of disciplining is different, we deal with the same struggles of motherhood. None of us are alone.
My little boy always goes to bed at night saying he loves me so much, and my daughter smiles at me every night when I rock her to sleep. Raising them is difficult, but worth every minute of the bad days we always seem to overcome.
Always remember, you are not a bad mom. It’s just a bad day. We have all been there, and you’re doing an amazing job!